Peeling the Heart Open

Turning 45 yesterday and reading Brene Brown's book, Daring Greatly, has me peeling the many layers around my heart.  Daring Greaty - is all about how the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we Live, Love, Parent and Lead.

I prayed for courage last year three times - to take baby steps in new directions, to grow as a human bean and expand my heart even more than I thought or knew possible. 

I went to the closet and got the picture of her out. She had been buried in the back. I had promised myself to do something with her image and preserve it so that time and humidity would not destroy it. I had purchased a frame a few weeks ago. I took the time to frame her and put her in front of me so she could witness the images in my head and share her experience and grow with me, through me, within me - so we could go beyond what was holding us back. This is ME at age two.

All these feelings coming up - all these voices and stories and NOISE -  I put on Kundalini chanting and let the music seep into my bones and silence my thoughts.   I allow the words and vibration to transcend the molecular level into my feeling and knowing space. I sit in stillness and gaze upon her face. 

I feel a light radiating - it is dim and yet I feel its heat. I breathe in and out. I breathe in and out. And the light grows. It warms my heart and tingles into my core, my legs, my feet, my shoulders, my hands. I feel LOVE and PEACE and JOY. I am surrounded by a pink bubble of bliss. I feel safe and protected. No harm can come to me here. And then the images and feelings begin.

Me as a four year old - confused and frightened by the tension, the impatience, the raised voices, the words that are beyond my comprehension. Me, a sensitive child, feeling and seeing things that others could not and being told to stop exaggerating and daydreaming or not to express myself.

Me as a seven year old - feeling the pain of not belonging, not being accepted, being different.  Scared to reach out - feeling shy and apprehensive. Trying to fit in and hide my psychic abilities.
Me as a twelve year old - getting my period - body changing, no explanations as to feelings and hormones, no celebration of this sacred time in my young life. Kids at school mean and hurtful, dysfunctional family relationships - feeling the need to protect myself and build a wall around my heart.

I cradle ME, in my heart.  I feel ME's desire to cry as the memories crash through my feeling body.   It's okay to cry. That is no longer forbidden. It's okay to be vulnerable and FEEL and express. It's okay to let the tears fall down - liquid gratitude for this journey we went through.

I turn on Karen Drucker and I sing songs of love and joy and acceptance - melodies of healing and forgiveness and letting go.   

I feel an integration - my heart expanding as a layer lets loose. No need for me as an adult (or at least I pretend to be at times) to hang onto these unneeded defenses - shyness and aloofness and anxiety.  Or the big one - NGE, not good enough. Wow!!! This one I can really let go of. Tee hee!!!

Breathing through this moment and showering myself with love.  Opening my heart to love and faith. Helping myself grow and become more of who I be. Still vulnerable to loss and grief and yet, my heart is resilient enough to accept it all - the good, the bad, and the ugly.  It all becomes beautyFULL.

Stretching - like the seed that has sprouted and reaches beyond the dirt to see the sun. That's what I am doing.  Embracing all parts of me on this beautiful journey called life.

I start my day with LOVE

I start my day with PEACE

I start my day with JOY

and I feel that sweet release

VULNERABLE IS BEAUTYfull