RADICAL TRANSPARENCY

We've all got struggles, worries and fears. Why are we afraid or ashaHAhamed of how we really feel at times? Who are we trying to impress? What makes us put on a smile and pretend when that is not what we are feeling on the inside?

My dad asked me to write about this so I can shed some light or have an A-ha MOMent on the relationship I have with my brother.

When we were young we were very close.  Like peas in a pod.  We would fight and blame each other and then we'd make up and be inseparable.  When I was seventeen, my brother and Dad went to live in Milwaukee for a year to set up a new home and space for us.  The next year my Mom and I followed.  My brother had turned into a teenager.  We still shared MOMents (Eddie Murphy RAW and other concerts) but we were drifting in different worlds (highschool and college).   And then the family moved back to Canada and I stayed in the United States. My brother and I drifted further apart. 

And then my brother was all grown up and getting married.   Started a family of his own.  Married a smart and beautiful woman who gave me a nephew and niece.  And we got closer again because of the children.

Recently, I went to visit my brother and his family.  I went there to help out while my sister-in-law was recuperating from surgery.  Being the LOVECat that I am and my desire to help and heal and share, I overextended myself.  

I would get up early to take care of the dog and help my sister-in-law get settled and then do laundry and clean up the kitchen.  I would forgo nap time to prepare lunch or go buy groceries or hang with my niece.  I would get to bed late.  After five days of this routine, I began to feel exhausted and cranky and resentful.   And I still put a smile on my face and resumed with my self-imposed responsibilities.

Here's the thing - when what we feel and what we say does not align, there is bound to be an explosion.  Like a ball being held under the surface of the water, the moment you release the pressure, it pops right out.

The first one, again, self-imposed.  Having lost my focus, I fell off a  curb and landed splat on the pavement.   Sprained my ankle and scraped off skin from my knee, elbow, cheek, ear and forehead.  That definitely slowed me down a whole bunch.  It made it more difficult to function and easier to listen to what was not being said.

The second explosion came from my surroundings.  Again, people feel the vibration you are putting out and respond to that more than to your words.  One day later, my sister-in-law blew up at me.  A disagreement turned mean when she lashed out in anger, saying things that truly hurt.  I cried and then laughed about (thanks to my niece reminding me that laughing about it would make it easier to haHAhandle).  Since then, my brother and I have not talked.

Now, as I write about it, I forgive myself.  I take responsibility for my part - not recognizing the energy I was putting out.  

It's kind of like the weather.  While it's nice for it to be sunny all the time, we also go through cloudy days and thunderstorms and rain. When that hahahappens, we need an umbrella or some shelter.  

I could have taken care of me and replenished my batteries instead of acting like everything was fine when that was not what I was feeling inside.  I could have taken a time out and laughed at myself.  I could have nurtured me before going on to nurture others.  I could have asked questions and gained clarity before making assumptions.

 And so the Universe taught me once again to feel what I am feeling and do no haHAharm (Ahimsa).   Moodiness is not a victimless crime.  I was reMINDed that when I am not feeling great to go off and be in whatever mood I need to be until that too passes.

When I sit  with what I am feeling and experience it, I learn alot about myself.  I find the love in the MOMent and can shift my mindset. I breathe deep and find the attitude of gratitude that finds the blessings in even this kind of experience.  I laugh about the words which were momentarily and remember the feelings we've shared over the years.

And when my brother is ready to talk to me, he will find the door open and the heart accommodating.  

With radical transparency, I release myself of this incident and know that LOVE and time heals all wounds and that this too shaHAhall pass.