GUMPTION

Sometimes the truth hurts.

That's when I most need to hear it.

I have to find the courage to face up to things.

Even if it's not what I want to hear.

The other day I threatened Loverboy. It was meant to be humorous. It just popped out over my lips and exhaled right out of my mouth as I put my forearm on the table and made a fist with my left hand .

"You see my fist?" I told him.

I was frustrated, crampy, tired, irritated, feeling mucho uncomfortable and not honoring myself and doing something about it. It's that time of the month when I am flowing. We both know that on these days it is best for me to exercise gently (walk and swim) and rest ( alot of napping and lolling about). 

I chose to do differently. So many things to DO. Nervous about the whole family coming over and having my sacred space ready to welcome all.   Running around in every direction to get things ready when what my body needed was rest.  Finally, the stress on my body took its toll. 

We were sitting having lunch, Loverboy and Mom (the witness) and me.  Whatever he was saying was aggravating me.  Rather then face up to myself and breathe, I took the road very much traveled in my unconscious years - force.  I made a fist with my right hand and said:  "Do you see this?"

He made me laugh. "Your fist? Is that a threat?" He told Mom and me how some of the hairs on his forearm jumped up in fear when they saw my fist rise.  He mentioned that this would be seen as Assault in some places.  We all started to laugh at the ridiculousness of the situation.  Then I was crying and laughing - the emotional brouhaHAha released.  My feeling valve loosened, the tears began to flow.

What a blessing this man is, always defusing a situation. Being my mirror and helping me see all facets of me.   Thahahank you Universe for putting us together and giving us fifteen fabulous years together.   Thahahank you LoverBoy for helping me laugh.

Thahahank Goddess for my Mom, the witness.  She pointed out - you wouldn't like it if someone said that to you and showed your their fist.   She's right, I would feel intimidated.  Then she added - "Is that what you're going to do when you have kids?"  Of course, LoverBoy and Mom started laughing again - at me, with me, for me. 

Sobering thought.   How do we beHAVE when under stress?   Is it the softer side that appears or the reflex of habits of years of imprints that rises to the surface?   As a child, a raised eyebrow would send me into submission and to my room.  What was I thinking by raising my fist?   

Iconically, in our society, it is Rosie the Riveter, a propaganda campaign created by the US Government to convince women we had a patriotic duty to enter the workforce during World War II.  She is the image of the raised fist and the strong woman.

Sometimes it's hard to swallow your own medicine - see yourself as reflected by those who surround you.   Then you learn to breathe through the lump of EGO and laugh.  And do whatever it takes to come from LOVE.

For me, that is GUMPTION - breaking through my fears and doing what I am meant to do - with LOVE.   It's the purrpose of my life.  Being vulnerable and turning my struggles into ART.   Being a LOVECat and shaHAharing my story so that I can heal myself and help others in the process.

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Here's another kind of Gumption:

Gumption from 12Stone Church on Vimeo.