GUMPTION

Sometimes the truth hurts.

That's when I most need to hear it.

I have to find the courage to face up to things.

Even if it's not what I want to hear.

The other day I threatened Loverboy. It was meant to be humorous. It just popped out over my lips and exhaled right out of my mouth as I put my forearm on the table and made a fist with my left hand .

"You see my fist?" I told him.

I was frustrated, crampy, tired, irritated, feeling mucho uncomfortable and not honoring myself and doing something about it. It's that time of the month when I am flowing. We both know that on these days it is best for me to exercise gently (walk and swim) and rest ( alot of napping and lolling about). 

I chose to do differently. So many things to DO. Nervous about the whole family coming over and having my sacred space ready to welcome all.   Running around in every direction to get things ready when what my body needed was rest.  Finally, the stress on my body took its toll. 

We were sitting having lunch, Loverboy and Mom (the witness) and me.  Whatever he was saying was aggravating me.  Rather then face up to myself and breathe, I took the road very much traveled in my unconscious years - force.  I made a fist with my right hand and said:  "Do you see this?"

He made me laugh. "Your fist? Is that a threat?" He told Mom and me how some of the hairs on his forearm jumped up in fear when they saw my fist rise.  He mentioned that this would be seen as Assault in some places.  We all started to laugh at the ridiculousness of the situation.  Then I was crying and laughing - the emotional brouhaHAha released.  My feeling valve loosened, the tears began to flow.

What a blessing this man is, always defusing a situation. Being my mirror and helping me see all facets of me.   Thahahank you Universe for putting us together and giving us fifteen fabulous years together.   Thahahank you LoverBoy for helping me laugh.

Thahahank Goddess for my Mom, the witness.  She pointed out - you wouldn't like it if someone said that to you and showed your their fist.   She's right, I would feel intimidated.  Then she added - "Is that what you're going to do when you have kids?"  Of course, LoverBoy and Mom started laughing again - at me, with me, for me. 

Sobering thought.   How do we beHAVE when under stress?   Is it the softer side that appears or the reflex of habits of years of imprints that rises to the surface?   As a child, a raised eyebrow would send me into submission and to my room.  What was I thinking by raising my fist?   

Iconically, in our society, it is Rosie the Riveter, a propaganda campaign created by the US Government to convince women we had a patriotic duty to enter the workforce during World War II.  She is the image of the raised fist and the strong woman.

Sometimes it's hard to swallow your own medicine - see yourself as reflected by those who surround you.   Then you learn to breathe through the lump of EGO and laugh.  And do whatever it takes to come from LOVE.

For me, that is GUMPTION - breaking through my fears and doing what I am meant to do - with LOVE.   It's the purrpose of my life.  Being vulnerable and turning my struggles into ART.   Being a LOVECat and shaHAharing my story so that I can heal myself and help others in the process.

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Here's another kind of Gumption:

Gumption from 12Stone Church on Vimeo.

Radiance

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. 

We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. 

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. ..... 

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.” 
        ― Marianne Williamson, Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles"

I remember the first time I read these words.  These lines made me stop and sigh.   And then cry.

What was she saying?   That I might be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?  Who me?   

At the time, I was a paralegal in a downtown Miami firm.  I left my house at 7:00 a.m. and got home at 7:00 p.m.   I was a peon in the cog called LAW  - one of many paralegals in this space who read through boxes of paper to find some evidence to corroborate what our clients wanted argued or defended.

I was seventy pounds overweight.  I was unhappy - in a sick building all day long.   My only forays into nature were for cigarette breaks.     I was dealing with angry clients, bored clerks and frustrated attorneys .    I wore pantyhose and uncomfortable suit jackets and skirts with high heel shoes in order to fit into the corporate culture.   I was definitely not feeling brilliant, gorgeous, talented or fabulous.

Once you hear or read something that conflicts with what your reality is - it's like a grain of sand stuck between your toes.   You can still function but you feel it, you know it's there.   Truth is like that.  It might not match your experience but it sits there inside your soul, resonating with your heart and who you be.  Building its momentum until one day you decide to do different to match what you be.

That's what it was like for me.  I had to leave the law firm and the drives to Miami.  I had to re-examine who I thought I was and what I thought I knew.   Letting all the drawers and compartments in my head fall out and examining them in the light of day.

I had to learn to like myself - truly, madly, deeply.  As I was in that MOMent.  And then have a passionate love affair with me, myself and I.

I embraced meditation to clear the clutter in my mind.  I took up yoga to make my body strong and flexible.   I started to chaHAhant so I could hear my voice and sing myself love songs.  (Shima - Shima - Shimaya - LOVE)

As I looked at my past and all the chaHAhallenges and childhood I survived, I began to see my brilliance.   As I started loving myself, I embodied gorgeous - an inner beauty that shines through (no makeup or heels required).   I found what I was passionate about and what I loved doing.   My talents emerged.  

And fabulous - of course, fabulous.  

It took teaching hundreds of Laughter Yoga classes, being an Artist and expressing myself, teaching myself how to be a Vegetarian/Vegan and a Certified RawFood Chef, holding & creating sacred spaces for Full Moon drumming circles,  

transforming myself in to a drag queen twice, organizing flash mobs, jumping out of an airplane, learning to fly, and my favorite:

   

being an Auntie to eight nieces and nephews and nine cousins and all these Little Ones who bless my life (kids and animals) 

and being blessed to be a guardian to GingerMama and the Meows and the wife of Loverboy to see just how fabulous I am.  And now I know.  

Daily OM writes:   

 "Stepping out of the wings and letting your light shine is actually a way to serve the planet. We each have a responsibility to contribute to our community, and we do this when we let ourselves be seen.  It doesn’t do anyone any good when we try to hide. We are all beings of light and we are here to light the way for each other ..... Shine your light out into the world, bless those around you by sharing your gifts, and watch the universe glow."

Each day I commit to shining a little bit more - big love in small ways.   Just being and letting that ripple out into our Universe.

Off to laugh and shine and glow.

I AM OMazing - YOU ARE OMazing - WE ARE OMazing

Woohoo!!!

RADICAL TRANSPARENCY

We've all got struggles, worries and fears. Why are we afraid or ashaHAhamed of how we really feel at times? Who are we trying to impress? What makes us put on a smile and pretend when that is not what we are feeling on the inside?

My dad asked me to write about this so I can shed some light or have an A-ha MOMent on the relationship I have with my brother.

When we were young we were very close.  Like peas in a pod.  We would fight and blame each other and then we'd make up and be inseparable.  When I was seventeen, my brother and Dad went to live in Milwaukee for a year to set up a new home and space for us.  The next year my Mom and I followed.  My brother had turned into a teenager.  We still shared MOMents (Eddie Murphy RAW and other concerts) but we were drifting in different worlds (highschool and college).   And then the family moved back to Canada and I stayed in the United States. My brother and I drifted further apart. 

And then my brother was all grown up and getting married.   Started a family of his own.  Married a smart and beautiful woman who gave me a nephew and niece.  And we got closer again because of the children.

Recently, I went to visit my brother and his family.  I went there to help out while my sister-in-law was recuperating from surgery.  Being the LOVECat that I am and my desire to help and heal and share, I overextended myself.  

I would get up early to take care of the dog and help my sister-in-law get settled and then do laundry and clean up the kitchen.  I would forgo nap time to prepare lunch or go buy groceries or hang with my niece.  I would get to bed late.  After five days of this routine, I began to feel exhausted and cranky and resentful.   And I still put a smile on my face and resumed with my self-imposed responsibilities.

Here's the thing - when what we feel and what we say does not align, there is bound to be an explosion.  Like a ball being held under the surface of the water, the moment you release the pressure, it pops right out.

The first one, again, self-imposed.  Having lost my focus, I fell off a  curb and landed splat on the pavement.   Sprained my ankle and scraped off skin from my knee, elbow, cheek, ear and forehead.  That definitely slowed me down a whole bunch.  It made it more difficult to function and easier to listen to what was not being said.

The second explosion came from my surroundings.  Again, people feel the vibration you are putting out and respond to that more than to your words.  One day later, my sister-in-law blew up at me.  A disagreement turned mean when she lashed out in anger, saying things that truly hurt.  I cried and then laughed about (thanks to my niece reminding me that laughing about it would make it easier to haHAhandle).  Since then, my brother and I have not talked.

Now, as I write about it, I forgive myself.  I take responsibility for my part - not recognizing the energy I was putting out.  

It's kind of like the weather.  While it's nice for it to be sunny all the time, we also go through cloudy days and thunderstorms and rain. When that hahahappens, we need an umbrella or some shelter.  

I could have taken care of me and replenished my batteries instead of acting like everything was fine when that was not what I was feeling inside.  I could have taken a time out and laughed at myself.  I could have nurtured me before going on to nurture others.  I could have asked questions and gained clarity before making assumptions.

 And so the Universe taught me once again to feel what I am feeling and do no haHAharm (Ahimsa).   Moodiness is not a victimless crime.  I was reMINDed that when I am not feeling great to go off and be in whatever mood I need to be until that too passes.

When I sit  with what I am feeling and experience it, I learn alot about myself.  I find the love in the MOMent and can shift my mindset. I breathe deep and find the attitude of gratitude that finds the blessings in even this kind of experience.  I laugh about the words which were momentarily and remember the feelings we've shared over the years.

And when my brother is ready to talk to me, he will find the door open and the heart accommodating.  

With radical transparency, I release myself of this incident and know that LOVE and time heals all wounds and that this too shaHAhall pass.

SERENITY of WE

The Universe has an OMazing sense of humor and is constantly helping us laugh at ourselves.   When I first met LoverBoy (oops WSM NoahaHAha) it was over the phone.  We talked for hours.  We connected so deeply and enjoyed the conversation.   And then we never talked again.  Three years later, I moved to Miami and bumped into him again.  And just like that we started talking again.  A conversation we have been having for the last sixteen years.

There was not always this easy peasy feeling between us.   I had no idea how to be in a relationship.  I would fly off into a tantrum when I didn't get my way or my feelings were hurt.  I would cuss and yell as if that would get my point across better.  In my anger or rage there was no place for unconditional love.  In having to be right, someone had to be wrong.  And with my Egyptian Romanian gypsy background, the passion of a good fight would overcome the compassion of our love.   It wasn't the words I was using but how I was saying it - the energy of my feelings..

One day, WSM NOahaHAha had enough.    He told me that with the words coming out of my mouth,we would never have a family together.   That gave me a pause.  Stopped to think about what I was putting out into the Universe and what curses I was sending his way and if it was getting me the results that I wanted - a peaceful loving relationship with my man.    

I got truly silent and meditated.   I got a little loud and practiced my laughter yoga.   I shook my body and shaHAhakti shaked until I got true with myself.   And then I made a decision.  To treat him like I wanted to be treated.   To make a conscious effort to breathe and respond instead of react.   To contain my anger and let it simmer so I could really see what was burning my fire.    

I gave WSM NOahaHAha a nickname, LoverBoy.   Because that is how I saw him and how I desired he would behave.  I would go for long walks when I was angry or irritated.  I would laugh about my situation and breathe deep into my diaphragm.    And LoverBoy no longer became the mirror to my behaviour - what you give, you get goes the golden rule.  We became bestest of friends with courtesy and caring.

I committed to loving.   Speaking gently, making kindness my religion, and taking myself less seriously.  In making this decision, I became calmer.  I took up yoga to support my body and pilates to strengthen and lengthen my bones.  I meditated and chaHAhanted to clear my mind.  Together, LoverBoy and I continued our laughter practice, cultivating and stretching our HAHA muscles - learning new techniques to cope with chaHAhange and chaHAhallenge.

I became peaceful with what is - who and how I am and who and how he is.   I found things that were right about him and me - and truly appreciating our quirks and our unique abilities.   I relaxed and started having fun.  And that made life easy peasy for our love to grow.

16 years - we are feeling the serenity of WE - the comfortable silence, the groove of trying new things (we took introductory flying lessons this weekend), the nooks and crannies of our bodies and how well we can spoon together.

It is so very good to be part of a relationship that warms your heart - that gives you something to look forward to and eager to get home to.  And without the mama drama - the words get replaced with feelings of love that seek to commune and connect.

I am grateful to LoverBoy for being in my life - for his wisdom and big heart - his kindness and love.  I am grateful for the opportunity to be WE together, in serenity.   WE are all One.

LANGUAGE

LANGUAGE:

1. Communication of thoughts and feelings through a system of arbitrary signals, such as voice sounds, gestures, or written symbols. System used by nation, people.

3. Body language; kinesics.

7. The manner or means of communication between living creatures other than humans: the language of dolphins.

The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, 4th ed. copyright

I have always been confused about LANGUAGE. The first language I knew was FEELINGs. That was quickly replaced with WORDS - of the Hebrew variety and then French and then English. I always found all of these difficult although I have mastered them.

I am still mastering Patriarchy. It's not my MOTHER Tongue. However it has been useful in helping me decipher REALity in my world today.

I am just reMEMBERing my MOTHER Tongue. It was hidden away for so long. She is reEMERGing. With every book, every meeting, every HER-STORY, I am reMINDing myself of what I KNOW in my BONES.

Lately, I am reDISCOVERing another language. Resonated with it in the Dog Whisperer. Encountered it again in Paulo Coelho's The Alchemist. How does he put it?   The language WITH-out words - the UNIVERSAL language.   EnerCHI.  Good, good, good - good vibrations!!!!

I feel it when we laugh together - this EnerCHI - this Universal language where we say nothing yet we express so much.  And the feelings that envelop and embrace me and carry me for the rest of the day.

I study my four legged souls who share my sacred space. Each of them here to teach me and Guide ME how to BE. The MONKEY in me. 

How my body language speaks LOUDER than words. How I can say NO-thing with my mouth. How my thoughts and LOVE-ing intentions set things off into motion. 

How I can VIBRATE from the INside OUT. How I can create HEAT - fire skill very useful.  How I can heal myself and BE in the MOMENT and MEDITATE,

"...Mediate ....Alleviate .....Try not to hate .....Love your mate" 

And so this week, I pray for DYNAMISM - the Art of Emotional Imprinting - so that I can radiate my peaceful haHAhappy nature and pass it forward, be a LOVECat and shaHAhare.

Surrendering to BE

I am peeling the translucent layers that surround my heart. Since these are invisible to the eye, they require gentleness in order to not tear the delicate skin.   Yum.

I am learning how to be in pleasure in every dimension of my life.   The most chaHAhallenging is the maintenance of my home.  

Really learning the process of being a domestic diva - a homemaker and caretaker - has been difficult.   I fought this discipline for a long time.  Hiring others to clean my house while I was doing other things. Except no one can love my stuff well until I do and then teach them to do the same.   After going through an army of merry maids and happy housecleaners, I surrendered and took it on myself.

I place a tiara on top of my head.  I crank on the music and I let myself go.  Devoting energies into different rooms as I sort, clear, purge and clean (washing floors, windows, dusting.....). I sing along to the tunes and sway and sashay.  I feel a shift in my vibrational energy.  As the water in the mop bucket gets darker, I feel a sadness I did not know existed within, lift.

My research (experimentation and experience) shows that dancing makes everything better.  It changes a bad mood into a good mood.  It gets me into my body and out of my head when I am facing a chaHAhallenge and it allows me to move deeper within where my truth resides.

I have always believed that dancing is the way to reconnect myself with my body - to truly inhabit the space within - it is so amazing how music can fill my soul and all of a sudden, my foot starts twitching and drumming a beat and then my hand follows, tapping a rhythm on my thigh - until I surrender to the music and let myself go and allow my energy to flow.

Dancing started at a young age. Friday nights after dinner, we'd gather in the basement and dance: Abba (Dancing Queen), Neil Diamond (Coming to America), Boney M (By the River of Babylon) and anything from the soundtrack of Grease. My cousins and I, my parents, my aunts and uncles - we would release all the tensions and cares of the weeks and boogie on down.

When I was in my teens, my girlfriends and I would sneak into the bars and dance, dance, dance - we didn't care for the drinking or the men - just the music pulsating in our veins and the unrestrained freedom of moving and sweating and being.

And so, it was a real pleasure to re-mind myself of how important dance is to my soul, my body and me.

I sway - I sashay - I spin - I move my hips - I do the hokey pokey and I turn myself about - that's what it's all about!!!

P.S.  The moment I surrendered into the process and made it fun, a fabulous woman appeared in my life.  Now, this gorgeous Angel comes twice a month to my house and gives it a thorough cleaning - nooks and crannies - and loves it the way I do.   Woohoo.

EXPLORATION of something NEW

A few weeks ago, LoverBoy and I tried something new for date night.   I was seeking an adventure - so we decided to explore a new part of town and step out of our comfort zone. 


 We crossed the border and entered Miami.   We went to visit the lovely Adrienne Arsht Center to catch a show called SLAVA'S SNOW SHOW.  It started at 8:00 pm (just before bedtime) on a Friday night.



We decided to grab a bite to eat before the show.  The restaurant, Prelude by Barton G, is totally decorated with jellyfish, from the big screens on the wall to the light fixtures.

We came to see the show because something appealed to me about

Slava's Snow Show.  It seemed like a great way to explore something new.   I bought the tickets and then read up about Slava.  

Slava is known as the World's Greatest Clown.  What he did with this show, by putting music (classical and eclectic) side by side with clowns is create a clown ballet that is funny and engaging and makes you laugh.  It also let my inner kid come out to play.

A visual masterpiece, Slava's Snow Show is a world of fantasy onstage and off.  Music to fill your senses and silliness to make your heart laugh.  We loved how he engaged the audience and how children and adults were so riveted that at the end, people stayed on to play.

Here's a little clip of the show and the music - it's still playing in Miami for the next week or so.  I would say Run and get a ticket and explore all the possibilities of what the mind and heart can do.