Words that start with the Letter "F"

 

A few choice words playing on my mind this week - based on the yummy FEEDBACK I received from last week's Exploring Joy.   

 

Being with my parents for three days - under my FATHER's roof after being on my own, independent and married, was not easy.   While I managed to stay in my pleasure most of the time, I found myself experiencing FEELINGS that I was no longer FAMILIAR with.   Some of the feelings I was familiar with like FRUSTRATION (the waiting, this is not what I had planned,  difficult personalities) and FEAR (what is going to happen, not knowing how to help and what the future holds).  Some of the feelings were not even my own but rather those I picked up while taking my parents to their doctors and running errands for them.   Being in an environment that was not my own made it difficult to digest all these feelings.  

Over the years, I have learned to let my feelings come up and sit with them, no matter how uncomfortable they might be and do nothing but watch and learn.    As you sit through a feeling it gives you a gift - an appreciation for what it was you went through and what value it has in your life.  At my parents - three days - there was no time to sit through the barrage of emotions that was hahahappening.  While I was trying to stay calm and process my surroundings, I let myself become unconscious about FOOD.   

Being in someone else's space also meant I had to live by their haHAhabits and ways of being.  For my FATHER, FOOD has always been connected with pleasure.   As a child growing up in a Jewish household, FOOD was always something that brought our family together.  Every MOMent I remember had FOOD written all over it.  Going out to a nice restaurant was a treat, eating a piece of cake was a celebration.  FOOD was a reward that was deserved for working hard or accomplishing something.   

When I grew up and moved out, FOOD became a way to hide my FEELINGs.  It was also the easiest weapon of choice to hurt myself and cover up who I truly was.  Why FEEL when you can eat?  I might have continued with this FARCE except I got really sick in my late 20s-early 30s - a bout with FIBROMYALGIA and depression had me investigating all the FACETS of my life that did not work.  FOOD was the relationship I was most vested in - doing it daily and three times at that.  

What my research uncovered is that there were many FOODS that were detrimental to my body - it stayed in my body too long, it hurt to poop out, it remained as fat on my body and it messed up my hormones.  Many FOODs that had been staples of my diet were eliminated (bread, anything white, wheat, meat, chicken, fish, processed foods, cake, cookies, cereal, dairy products).

Over the last ten years, I've become truly conscious of what I consume - very much aware that what goes in must come out.  My research of FOOD has taught me that FOOD is FUEL FIRST.   Our bodies work like our car, the better the fuel, the greater the performance.   My lifestyle chaHAhanges added fruits and vegetables into my daily intake and I began to feel more energy and vitality.  I stopped cooking and learned to create rawlicious recipes using alkaline ingredients.  Over time, my desire for FOOD that once had a hold on me dissipated (bye bye pizza and ice cream).  I began to crave healthy juicy FOODS that were not emotionally connected to my memories.  I put in FUEL that was easy to digest and healthy for my body and easy to poop.  Raw juicy and nutritious Food brings me a different kind of pleasure than just smell and taste - I get wellbeing and FREEDOM.   No longer tied to breakfast, lunch and dinner, I eat when I need FUEL - when I feel hungry.

All that disappeared while I was at my parents.   While I meditated and walked, I was overwhelmed with FEELINGS and FOOD.   My parent's pantry was full of childhood staples (pistachios, hummus, chocolate cake, salads made with mayonnaise, Israeli couscous and bread).  I started eating FOOD that I would never bring into my house. However, here it was staring me in the FACE and I was serving it to my parents.  What hahahappened is I would taste it.  And then have a little more. Until I found myself FULL.   Eating more than my body could digest in one meal.  (One little sliver of chocolate cake, a handful of pistachios, some matbouchaHAha and Moroccan carrot salad).  While it tasted delicious, I noticed my energy became sluggish and my hahahappiness level slumped.   I came home 3 days later 3 pounds heavier.  FLUSTERED and feeling FOOLISH over this FIASCO, I slept for two whole days.

Appreciative for this experience, I felt FORTUNATE that I had the tools and the wisdom to FIX myself healthy again.  I juiced for three days straight - filling my body up with digestive enzymes and enough liquid to FLUSH anything that didn't belong within me out.  I also felt a great deal of FORGIVENESS to myself for putting myself in this situation.  Sometimes when you think you have resolved old issues and are in control, the Universe shows you a deeper layer of skin that needs to be shed.  I have such great appreciation for my FATHER for bringing up all my old ways of looking at things related to FOOD.   And for giving myself the opportunity to truly align myself - talk the talk and walk the walk.  Recommitting myself to my raw lifestyle and being gentle and compassionate with myself as I learn more.   Laughing at myself as I FALTER and FIND my way back to what works for me.