HAHA of FORGIVENESS

I am in Montreal - my sixth day in this beautiful and cold city.  It has been 25 years since I've been here in the winter.  In fact, I would not choose to be here except for the fact that my dad's in the hospital.  He had a cancerous tumor and part of his colon removed.   I arrived two days after the surgery.  I came to help and support my Mom - the Caretaker.  I am here to make sure she takes the time to eat and go home and shower and sleep.  Most of all, I am here to help her laugh.   Eating raw foods with Mom all week (Crudessence is a 7 minute walk from the hospital) has kept her full of energy and easy to laugh with.  She's convinced the healthy food gives her the giggles. While the surgery must have been a traumatic experience for my Dad, the after surgery has been quite a nightmare.   All the tubes stuck inside of him (his nose, his back, the veins of his arms) and the cocktail of drugs administered created a perfect storm. Sedated and feeling pain and confusion as to what is haHAhappening, my Dad was caught off guard and felt out of control in his own body.   With his stomach distended and the organs not yet functioning properly, his insides are toxic.   This causes him to be frustrated and angry.   The nights are the worst.  He can't sleep and he can't get comfortable. My mom and I have been taking shifts so we can be with him 24/7 - so he won't pull the foreign tubes out of him.  Last night, I pulled the 5:00 p.m. to 11:00 p.m. shift.   As the sun set, my father was getting restless and cantankerous.   We had a busy day getting chest scans and x-rays and walking - each process wearing him out excessively. He was running a fever and received Tylenol through his tube directly into his stomach.  This made him sweat like crazy.  He started throwing things off his bed and yelling to go home.  He attempted to get out of his bed and started pulling his tubes out.  I had to move his hands away and remind him what they were.  He threw his cell phone at me.  And then demanded that I give it back to him.  When I ignored him, he started cursing me out.  In his feverish delirium, I was the One that had created this unbearable situation he was now in. At a certain moment, I wanted to cry.  I was exhausted, stretched way beyond my comfort zone in a strange space that was draining my energy.   I was getting all emotional and taking things way too personally as my father got agitated and sweaty in his angry state. As I took a deep breath and ignored his tirade, I remembered a laughter yoga exercise called Forgiveness Laughter.   I pulled on my left earlobe and rubbed it tenderly - I forgive myself.  I pulled on my right earlobe and rubbed it between my fingers - I forgive others.  I massaged both my earlobes and felt my tension and anger dissipate.  I felt my peaceful nature settle back in and my compassion build as I remembered that the man in the hospital bed was my father - scared and disoriented and trying so desperately to find some control in his situation. I took a wet cloth and stroked his forehead and wiped his sweat.  I rubbed his earlobes and saw him visibly calm down.  His state of mind changed, his breathing shifted and he began to relax.   The nurse came in and gave him a muscle relaxant.  Within a few moments, he was breathing heavy and letting his muscles go into the sleep he so desperately needed. I sat there in the chair in lotus position.  I took a few deep breaths.  I pulled on my earlobes and I laughed in silence.   (see video below of Dr. Kataria and Silent Laughter).   Chuckling in quiet  giving myself an internal massage - until the giggles turned into tears running down my face.  I  allowed myself to feel it all - the emotional rollercoaster my life has been this week - knowing that this too shall pass . I am learning to LAUGH through each MOMent - looking for the gift in every situation - no matter how it comes - gr8full for the opportunity to 4give and be ME.

Crudessence